Which Dark Souls boss is the best manager? | Unraveled

Which Dark Souls boss is the best manager? | Unraveled


Welcome to Unraveled Season 2! You can tell it’s a new season because I’ve
grown a mustache and cut my hair. Ohoho I’m obviously just kidding. These are both fake. I know how much it would disappoint my friends
if I changed my appearance. I’m just kidding again. I’m not your friend, and you have no say over
what I do with my body. And speaking of harsh realities… The world of Dark Souls is frightening and
murky. How can you truly understand Dark Souls lore
without living Dark Souls? Grinding away tirelessly in inhospitable environments,
under uncharitable overlords. To truly understand Dark Souls lore, you must first
understand the desolation of… Working at a job! Have you ever thought about the term Boss
in a video game before? Those terrible enemies have the same title
as the people you’ll be working for for the rest of your life! Haha, what a silly coincidence! Dark Souls is known for wildly difficult bosses
that prove themselves on the battlefield, but can they prove themselves in a more difficult
setting: the Lordran Hills Business Park and Commerce Center! It’s across from the mall. Today, I’m ranking every Dark Souls boss
based on how good they’d be as a manager. I’m not dancing this season. Welcome to the Dark Souls Corp. onboarding
seminar. Now I’m only going to be speaking about the
Dark Souls 1, 2, and 3 bosses. No other “Soulsborne” games. I was originally thinking about putting in
the Demon’s Souls, but they actually got integrated into the Dark Corporation in a very messy
merger. All of the managers got sacked. So we’re not talking about them. That leaves us with 96 Dark Souls bosses and
minibosses. And it leads us to the difficult part of our
journey, how do we objectively answer the subjective question: “What makes a good
boss?” So I started researching lists of “the x
qualities of a good boss” on places like LinkedIn and Forbes, and then I fell down
the rabbit hole of the hundreds of corporate blogs. And at the end of this journey, I realized…
it didn’t matter at all. What does matter is making a catchy, powerpointable
mnemonic device. So here are the Five Cs that make a good boss: Number one, clear vision. Can this boss communicate their goals, give
clear steps on how to achieve those goals. Does this boss clearly hold their big old
arm way up in the air before slamming it down on you? Number two, consistent feedback. It’s important for a boss to let you know
that you’ve made a mistake, like challenging Seath the Scaleless before putting on your
ring of sacrifice, you absolute fool. You child. Number three, cherishes employees. A good boss values employee perspectives and
rewards good performance. Like when a boss decides to die when you hit
it in a good way. Number four, compassionate leadership. Honest. Trusting. Worthy of respect from their employees. The kind of boss you could chat with at the
Estus cooler. And the fifth and final C. Can really just
go to town on a motherfucker. Slices. Dices. Big old crunchers. Someone who’s willing to do what needs to
be done when the going gets tough. Or someone who reveals an abyssal dragon that
they’ve been keeping under their armor this whole time. This is our main criteria for what makes a
good boss. But for 96 bosses, it’s gonna be hard to differentiate
their management style with just these five Cs. Which is why I’m introducing the HR index. If they’re over here, they get a lot of HR
compliments. If they’re down here, they get a lot of HR
complaints. Let’s be honest, some really well-loved bosses are very bad leaders, and some really good leaders are SKEEZY AS HELL. So let’s rank some DARK SOULS BOOOOOSSEEEEEEEEES. Here’s our scale. We’re gonna start out with the neutrals. They’re the standard boss, so I’m just gonna
skim through them. Guardian Dragon, The Pursuer, Old Demon King,
Demon of Song. If you’re watching this video and you see
yourself exhibiting these lackluster tendencies, I want you to ask yourself: What can I do
to be better than the Royal Rat Authority, who vomits acid all over the floor multiple
times a day and is still considered a pretty okay boss. Aim higher. Let’s talk about the pushovers! Now, these are like my favorite substitute
teacher in high school, Mr. S, who would go off on class-long tangents about his youth
traveling the world instead of teaching us about Lord of the Flies. I loved Mr. S. Objectively a terrible teacher,
though. Champion’s Gravetender and Gravetender Greatwolf. This guy’s so fun! He brought his dog into work! I love dogs! Literally nothing’s going to get done today. Vordt of the Boreal Valley. He runs around on all fours. He’s really disrupting the “walking” space. It’s very ineffective. Iron Golem. He’s sweet, sort of bumbling, and you’ve
asked him to approve your expense reports like five times already. Aava, Lud, and Zallen, the King’s Pets. Literally baked into the title, they’re teacher’s
pets. They suck up to the king. Seath the Scaleless is a real sweetheart,
but he is very risk averse. And if you destroy his crystal, he becomes
mortal, and takes it, like, really personally. The Fume Knight. He’s got two sides, two swords. Look, he’s still got his old sword back when
he had your job. But eventually he is gonna get rid of that
sword. He’s gonna be a real asshole about it. The Lost Sinner. She, and I quote, “eternally punishes herself
for the sins of her past.” It’s important to have a boss that recognizes
their flaws, but it’s bad if your boss locks herself in the conference room and flogs herself
eternally. I booked the conference room for three, I
need to get in there. Crossbreed Priscilla goes invisible at the
first sign of conflict. That’s not showing up for the company. Lorian and Lothric the princes. One of them hangs around the other one’s neck
of the other one, who’s actually doing all the work. Which is the worst form of micromanaging. The Four Kings. You don’t fight all four at once. You fight one and then the rest come in slowly. Which is kind of like every group project
you had in high school. The Carthus Sand Worm. If you ignore them, they’ll ignore you, and
some people like that managing style. But also if you stand on the sideline for
long enough, someone else will shoot big arrows into them and then they’ll die. And that’s a bad boss. The Dragonslayer Armour is actually just a
puppet for these big wiry dragon butterfly things. So they’re well-loved by the higher ups, but
only because they don’t have any ideas on their own. The Ancient Wyvern is the epitome of pushover. Because you can just run through his stage
and then kill him with one attack at the very end. This is perfect for the employee that likes
to, you know, fuck around on Reddit all day and then send one email at five and then peace
out. I don’t know what that’s like. I’ve never done that. And finally, this is sort of a technical pushover. It’s the Ruin Sentinels. They’re kind of like a board of directors
in that they all look the same and do the same thing, which is to say not a lot. But you gotta suck up to them if you want
to get anywhere in the company. Now we’re gonna flip to the opposite side
of the scale. We’re gonna talk about the sketchies. These have a powerful understanding of corporate
leadership… but everyone hates them. The Boreal Outrider Knight is a miniboss,
but like, you can tell he really wants to be a boss. Nashandra tricks you into opening the Throne
of Want even though she just wants it for herself. But manipulation gets you pretty far in business. The Burnt Ivory King only comes to fight you
after you kill literally all of his knights. He gets it done, sure, but only when he needs
to. Dragonrider. This dude doesn’t have a dragon. His job title is obviously false. It’s like if I got promoted to “Guy who had
an okay time in high school.” Bed of Chaos. Actually a very effective leader, but every
time you have to have a “Meeting with the Bed of Chaos,” someone in HR gets an email. Centipede Demon. He nasty. Manus, the Father of the Abyss. Always screaming at me. Bad anger management. High Lord Wolnir has a lot of gold jewelry. Very ostentatious. All of his plans sound more like schemes, BUT! He does know the bassist for Maroon 5 and
they’ve been looking for someone with like really good hand dexterity and he’s noticed
that you’ve got something good so if you want… Mytha, the Baneful Queen doesn’t really have
an understanding of personal boundaries. She’s kind of like that coworker who, instead
of sending an email, just peeks their head over the cubicle wall. Except in this case that head is severed from
the body and will explode. Pinwheel can summon an unlimited amount of
clones. Most bosses wish they could be everywhere
at once. This one can be. Slave Knight Gael came into the company with
you, was a really good friend, and then he got promoted over you, and he’s been a real
jerk since. Aldia, Scholar of the First Sin is constantly
testing you, because he sees great things in you. But dude, not everything has to be a test. This is a Game Stop. Aldrich, Devourer of Gods has a bunch of skeletons
strewn about his clothes, and those are the people he ate on his way to the top. Which is incredibly cutthroat, but at least
he’s honest about it. Pontiff Sulyvahn has two swords: a profane
flame and a sword of judgment. And he hits you with both of them. He’s the type of guy who sends you an NSFW
link at work and then reports you for clicking on it. Dragon Slayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough
get shit DONE. They are a power couple… that isn’t sanctioned
by HR. They didn’t fill out the paperwork. It makes everyone very uncomfortable. There is a LOT of PDA. And it is weird. Now let’s move on to the good category, with
the Old Dragonsl… THIS IS JUST ORNSTEIN AGAIN. THIS DUDE JUST PUT ON A DIFFERENT SUIT AND
TRIED TO GET REHIRED IN THE OGDEN BRANCH. That’s not gonna fly! Y’all ready for the stinkers? You thought we had some pretty bad bosses
up to this point, but we haven’t even hit the depths of bad bossery. We’re about to hit the Blighttown of HR. Vendrick. Dude, you gotta wear more than a loincloth
to work. Chaos Witch Quelaag and Scorpioness Najka
are nude from the waist up… and nude from the waist down. Y’all, we have leftover shirts from the softball
game, can you just go into the bathroom and put one of those on, please? Old Iron King is constantly working from home
and he signs all of his emails, “Sent from my hot tub.” GET OUT OF THE HOT TUB! Ceaseless Discharge. The name alone tells me you should have taken
a sick day. Oceiros, the Consumed King is always going
on about his son Ocelotte, showing you pictures of him and his rowing team. You KNOW that this psych major is gonna replace
you as soon as he graduates Yale. Asylum Demon, Stray Demon, Demon Firesage
all have a move called butt slam. *camera nods in agreement* Looking Glass Knight. Reflects everyone’s flaws back on them, doesn’t
look inward enough. Curse-rotted Greatwood. Another dress code violation. Gwyn, Lord of Cinder is kept around because
he was the founder and made a lot of money on Wall Street in the ’80s, but he’s hollow
inside. The Covetous Demon is always taking credit
for the work that you’re doing. And he steals your lunch from the fridge every
day, even though I label it, DAVE. Abyss Watchers. Infighting is a very dangerous thing for a
group of managers. The Crystal Sage does a little bit of work,
and then vanishes, and then does a little bit more work, and then vanishes, and then you see them on their instagram story at some beer garden. Sister Friede is actually a very good boss,
and should be up here, but unfortunately she’s the assistant to Father Ariandel who is SO incompetent he can’t
untie a chair from his ass. And finally, the worst boss… The Gaping Dragon. Under no circumstances should you be in a
work setting and described as gaping. All that’s left is the top right of this scale,
the good bosses, but before we get there, there are a few bosses that don’t really fit
into the standard “boss/employee” structure, or they’re basically corporations in their
own right, so we’ll talk about them as alternatives. The Bell and the Belfry Gargoyles only come
in when someone else is hurting. So they’re kind of like consultants. Halflight, Spear of the Church could actually
be a real-life human player. And pitting employees against each other is
a big no-no. The Royal Rat Vanguard is one boss rat that’s
surrounded by a horde of indistinguishable other rats, so it’s just an episode of Undercover
Boss. Afflicted Graverobber, Ancient Soldier Varg,
and Cerah the Old Explorer are a trio that… like, they’re just high school friends that
decided to get together and open a burger joint, and they’re kind of incompetent but
you love them anyway. The Prowling Magus and Congregation is a startup
because it’s one charismatic weirdo who takes credit for all of the hardworking people around
them. We’ve got some unions! A good union would be the Skeleton Lords. It’s three lords and a bunch of minions who
are recognized and working together toward the same goal. That’s a good thing. A worse union is the Deacons of the Deep,
where the management only comes in after five of their employees are killed. Finally, we have the Executioner’s Chariot,
whose employees are trying to unionize, but they keep getting trampled. And that leaves us with the good ones. There are only 13 of them. The Flexile Sentry. Great multitasker. The Taurus Demon gives you the tools you need
to succeed, and encourages you to climb that ladder, so that way you can jump down and
hit him on the head. Gravelord Nito has a lot of skeleton friends. A very good delegator. The Duke’s Dear Freja. Yeah, she’s a big spider… but she’s the
Duke’s DEAR Freja! The Duke loves her! When has the Duke led you astray before? Come on, man! The Duke loves her! Give her a chance! Pat (offscreen): Do it for the Duke! Do it for the Duke! Sinh, the Slumbering Dragon and the Last Giant
are slow, deliberate, and they keep on going even though they got a big fucking spear through
’em. Elana, the Squalid Queen summons friends when
things get a bit too much for her. That’s good delegation and understanding
your limits. The Ancient Dragon doesn’t actually fight
you until you fight them, you can just have a chat with this boss, and honestly, that’s
good enough sometimes. Great Grey Wolf Sif is a big wolf with a sword. FUCK YEAH! The Nameless King and the King of the Storm. Now, when the King of the Storm takes enough damage, the Nameless King will put them out of their misery. And it’s very sad, but it’s also what needed
to be happen. That’s good management. I fully expect my boss, Tara Long, to put
me out of my misery when I stop being useful. The Soul of Cinder. If you kill him, you might become him. And that’s a very clear path to promotion. It’s not a great path to promotion, but
it is a clear one. The Throne Watcher and Defender are another
power couple, but they filled out the HR paperwork. And they work great together! They’re super professional about it. They constantly revive the other one when
they die, and that’s a good boss. Also, relationship goals. And finally, the best business boss in Dark
Souls… is The Rotten. Because this company is employee owned. Every movement is made by the collective. Everyone gets a say. Now you might think you are small, and insignificant, and also dead. But! When you smash together everyone’s stinky,
rotting corpse, you can move mountains together. The best boss is you. And all of your dead friends. And in the Dark Souls Corporation, that means
you need a job description. So go ahead and use this handy chart to figure
out your Dark Souls boss title. And that concludes our onboarding seminar. Make sure to print out your completion certificate
at the end of this video so you can send it to your manager. Happy managing, and praise the sun! Under no circumstances should you be in a
work setting and described as gaping. Pat (offscreen): Hey, yo, can I gape in here? Brian (offscreen, laughing): You guys mind
if I gape? And that concludes our onboarding seminar. Make sure to celebroderadfjoisfjid. (Pat cracking up offscreen).

100 thoughts on “Which Dark Souls boss is the best manager? | Unraveled

  1. "The Duke has never led you astray!" "Do it for the Duke!"
    Me, a Fander: You're probably making a grievous mistake, but okay.

  2. I’m disappointed in you I have two last names so why not put a / on the chart. Also I’d be a luminous-sunken centipede.

  3. I fully support Brian's right to make choices regarding his appearance – after all I am not his friend and have no say over what he does with his body – but his hair pre-cut was glorious

  4. It is I, Lauren, the (S) sunken (26) gravekeeper. Because the best way to make sure the bodies stay under the ground is to sink into the ground myself and check up on them directly. If not regularly directed and consoled about their position in death, the corpses have a tendency to get anxious and rise up against those above them, and we wouldn't want that!

  5. The only one you didn't include for Bed of Chaos is can really just go to town on a motherfuker which I can completely agree with also h i o b

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *