Joe Biden’s Poor Performance In Iowa Signals Opportunity For Mike Bloomberg’s Campaign

Joe Biden’s Poor Performance In Iowa Signals Opportunity For Mike Bloomberg’s Campaign


WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TELL, MAN. IT IS FRIDAY.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS ABOUT DAMN TIME. AND IT’S BEEN A HELL OF A FEW
DAYS. YEARS FROM NOW, WE’LL LOOK BACK
ON THIS WEEK AND THINK, “HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THE
RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS?”( LAUGHTER )
SO MANY HUGE THINGS HAPPENED IN THE PAST SIX DAYS, I’M GETTING
THEM ALL MIXED UP. I’M PRETTY SURE MITT ROMNEY WAS
ACQUITTED OF AWARDING THE MEDAL OF FREEDOM TO SHAKIRA’S SPARKLY
SHORT-SHORTS? THIS WEEK, WE ALL ENDURED
TRUMP’S STATE OF THE UNION. NOT ALL OF US, BECAUSE THE
SPEECH’S TV RATINGS WERE DOWN 2% FROM LAST YEAR, WHICH MEANS
IF HE DOES IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR, HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO PULL SOME
TV GIMMICKS TO ROPE IN VIEWERS. SO GET READY FOR “YOUNG UNION. “THE STATE OF OUR SHELDON IS
BAZINGA!” BUT NOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS
COVERED UP TRUMP’S CRIMES, IT’S UP TO VOTERS TO GET RID OF THE
GUY.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YUP. DO YOUR DUTY. GOTTA VOTE. I SAID DUTY.>>Jon: EVERYBODY IS VERY
HYPED TO DO THAT.>>Stephen: I DID. I’LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT’S EDITION OF:>>YOU, OFF THE BOARD, OR I’LL
COME UP AND DRAWING OFF! ♪ ♪ ♪
>>A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.>>WHY THE HELL DO THEY LIKE
CHOCOLATE?>>”FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE, 2020.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STIERS IS TIGHT, MAN. IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO SORT OUT
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE IOWA CAUCUS, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S
FINALLY ALMOST SETTLED. I’M SORRY, CHAIR OF THE
D.N.C., YOU WERE SAYING? “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. IN LIGHT OF THE PROBLEMS THAT
HAVE EMERGED, I AM CALLING ON THE IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO
IMMEDIATELY BEGIN A RECANVASS.” WHAT? NOOO! IOW-ONCE WAS ENOUGH! THIS IS THE WORST REBOOT IDEA
SINCE “LITTLE WOMEN 2: THE REVENGE OF ZOMBIE BETH!”
( LAUGHTER )
WATCH OUT, MARMEE. SHE’S COMING BACK FOR HER PIANO! NOW, WHETHER THEY RECANVASS OR
NOT, THE BIG WINNERS IN IOWA WERE BERNIE SANDERS AND
PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND THEY’RE LEADING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, TOO. THEY’RE LEADING IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE, TOO. SO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN’S GOING TO
HAVE TO COME UP WITH A WHOLE NEW STRATEGY.( AS TRUMP )
“HELLO, UKRAINE? I KNOW I JUST ESCAPED
IMPEACHMENT, BUT I NEED YOU TO DO ME A FAVOR, THOUGH. IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU GUYS
COULD FIND A HUNTER BUTTIGIEG?”( LAUGHTER )
HELLO? THE IOWA RESULTS WERE ROUGH FOR
JOE BIDEN. HE FINISHED FOURTH, WITH ONLY
15.8%. HE MADE A BIG MISTAKE WHEN HE
ATTACKED IOWA’S STATE MASCOT.>>CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE!( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: BIDEN’S FOURTH-PLACE FINISH WAS A TOUGH BLOW TO HIS
CAMPAIGN, BUT THIS WEEK IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, HE TOLD VOTERS THIS:
>>AS MY MOTHER WOULD SAY, “HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL, PAL.” WE ARE NOT GIVING UP. WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.>>Stephen: THIS IS ONLY THE
SECOND STATE, AND YOU’RE ALREADY ON “HOPE SPRINGS
ETERNAL?” THAT’S LIKE BEING 10 MINUTES
INTO A HIKE AND SAYING, “WHADDYA SAY WE EAT LUKE FIRST? HE’S SINGLE,
NO ONE’S GONNA MISS HIM!” HE’S ALREADY SWEATY AND SALTY. HE SEASONED HIMSELF. LET’S DO IT. COME ON, LET’S DO THIS THING. SLOW IT UP.>>Jon: VEGETARIAN.>>Stephen: BUT BIDEN ALSO
RECOGNIZES HOW BAD THIS LOOKS.>>I AM NOT GOING TO SUGARCOAT
IT. WE TOOK A GUT PUNCH IN IOWA. THE WHOLE PROCESS TOOK A GUT
PUNCH. BUT, LOOK, THIS ISN’T THE FIRST
TIME IN MY LIFE I’VE BEEN KNOCKED DOWN.>>Stephen: (AS BIDEN)
“WHY, JUST TODAY ON THE WALK OVER HERE, SOME MANIAC WRESTLED
ME TO THE GROUND. IT LATER TURNED OUT TO BE THE
WINDBREAKER I WAS TRYING TO PUT ON.( LAUGHTER )
HE’S A BAD DUDE.” BIDEN IS SO OPTIMISTIC THAT AT A
CNN TOWN HALL, BIDEN EXPLAINED WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR IN A VICE
PRESIDENT.>>AS VICE PRESIDENT, I THINK IT
WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE A WOMAN OR A PERSON OF COLOR AS
VICE PRESIDENT. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
I’VE LEARNED FROM MY RELATIONSHIP WITH BARACK– I
CALL HIM BARACK, NOT PRESIDENT, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO CONFUSE
HIM WITH THE PRESIDENT.>>Stephen: DID YOU NOTICE HOW
SUBTLY WITH BIDEN INSERTS OBAMA INTO EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER. “DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?”
“NO, BUT YOU KNOW WHO LOVES FRIES? MY FRIEND BARACK OBAMA LOVES
FRIES. HE USED TO SAY TO ME, ‘JOE?’–
HE USED TO SAY TO ME, ‘JOE?’– HE CALLED ME JOE BECAUSE HE
DIDN’T WANT TO CONFUSE ME WITH VICE PRESIDENT JOHN
C. CALHOUN. HE’D SAY, ‘JOE, THESE ARE SOME
TASTY FRIES, AND YOU’D MAKE A TASTY PRESIDENT. LIKE ME, JOE BIDEN’S FRIEND
BARACK OBAMA.'”( LAUGHTER )
BIDEN’S POOR PERFORMANCE IS PURE GOLD FOR ONE OF HIS RIVALS,
FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND IGUANA REFUSING TO DO THE TRICK
DURING THE ANIMAL SHOW, MIKE BLOOMBERG. BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN RUNNING AN
UNCONVENTIONAL CAMPAIGN BY SKIPPING THE EARLY STATES, AND
HOPING FOR THE COLLAPSE OF OTHER LEADING CAMPAIGNS, MOST
CRUCIALLY, JOE BIDEN’S. REALLY MAKES BLOOMBERG SEEM LIKE
A NICE GUY.( AS EVIL BLOOMBERG )
“OH, YEEEES, JOE! YES! OH, DO TIRE YOURSELF SHAKING THE
HANDS OF THE PAUPERS AS I WATCH FROM MY GLITTERING TOWER HIGH
ABOVE THE CITY. SOON, I SHALL BE THE ONE KISSING
THOSE PENNILESS BABIES IN ARMS AND SUPPING UPON THE APPLE’D
PIES! ME: RELATABLE EVERYMAN MICHAEL
“MIKE” BLOOMBERG– WENTWORTH, TO THE VELOCICOPTER!”
( APPLAUSE )
HE HAS. HE CAN FLY HELICOPTERS.>>Jon: HE FLIES THAT. THAT’S INTERESTING.>>Stephen: BLOOMBERG’S GOING
ALL IN ON HIS PLAN, BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD HIS TEAM TO DOUBLE HIS
SPENDING ON TELEVISION COMMERCIALS. HOW? HOW CAN HE DO THAT? HE’S ALREADY ON TV ALL THE TIME. AT THIS POINT, HE’LL HAVE TO BUY
AD SPACE IN OTHER PEOPLE’S COMMERCIALS. GET ANOTHER TUB IN THERE. SCRUB THEM OFF! NOW, JOE BIDEN’S GOING TO HAVE
TROUBLE SWALLOWING HIS NEXT ONE, BUT THIS, WHAT I’M ABOUT TO
SHOW YOU, IS MIKE BLOOMBERG’S ACTUAL LATEST COMMERCIAL.>>HE’S BEEN A LEADER
THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS. MR. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS
HERE.>>LEADERSHIP IN ACTION. MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND PRESIDENT
OBAMA WORKED TOGETHER IN THE FIGHT FOR GUN-SAFETY LAWS, TO
IMPROVE EDUCATION, AND TO DEVELOP INNOVATIVE WAYS TO HELP
TEENS GAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO FIND GOOD JOBS.>>Stephen: WOW. I THINK BLOOMBERG’S STRATEGY IS
JUST STEAL EVERY OTHER CANDIDATES’ THING.( AS BLOOMBERG )
“I BELIEVE THE TOP 10th OF THE TOP 10% HAVE TOO MUCH POWER, BUT
AS MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND, INDIANA, I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. IT INVOLVES MY DOG BAILEY, WHO’S
GONNA GIVE YOU $1,000 A MONTH. NOW LET’S BRING OUT MY
HUSBAND, CHASTEN. I’M MICHAEL YANG-BERNWARR-BOOTY. AND BARACK OBAMA APPROVED THIS
MESSAGE.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT– BUT–
BUT TRUMP’S NOT WORRIED ABOUT 2020 RIGHT NOW. INSTEAD, TRUMPS IS LASER FOCUSED
ON HIS REAL ENEMY: NEW YORK. TRUMP AND HIS IMMIGRATION GOONS
HAVE BEEN MAD AT NEW YORK STATE EVER SINCE THEY PASSED “A LAW
THAT ALLOWS UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS TO OBTAIN DRIVER’S
LICENSES.” AND TRUMP BELIEVES THEY SHOULD
ONLY BE ABLE TO GET MARRIAGE LICENSES. SO–
( LAUGHTER )
SO–
>>Jon: WOW.>>Stephen: SO, THE
ADMINISTRATION CAME UP WITH A WAY TO STICK IT TO ITS
OWN CITIZENS, BY BLOCKING NEW YORKERS FROM ENROLLING IN
GLOBAL ENTRY, A TRAVEL PROGRAM WHICH ALLOWS APPROVED
PARTICIPANTS FASTER PASSAGE THROUGH SECURITY AT AIRPORTS. THAT IS THE CRUELEST PUNISHMENT
IMAGINABLE: MORE TIME IN NEWARK.( LAUGHTER )
ON THE PLUS SIDE– ON THE PLUS SIDE– I’LL SAY THIS– THAT DOES
MEAN MORE TIME FOR ME TO FINISH MY QDOBA NACHOS INSIDE
THE LACTATION PRIVACY POD. FOR AM I NOT THE CHILD AT HEART,
SUCKLING ON THE NACHO TEAT? “BE OUT IN A MINUTE. I’M HAVING TROUBLE LATCHING ON.” THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS DROPPED ON
US LAST NIGHT BY ACTING HOMELAND SECURITY SECRATARY AND NAME THAT
A WOLF PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN WOULD CALL ITSELF– CHAD WOLF. “IT IS I, CHAD WOLF, a MAN WHO
LOVES HUMAN THINGS, LIKE COOKED FOOD. AND STANDING. CHAD WOLF SEES SOMETHING ON YOUR
NECK. COME CLOSER TO CHAD WOLF.”( LAUGHTER )
THERE’S ALSO NEWS ABOUT FIRST SON, DON JR., SEEN HERE
DELIVERING HIS CROWD-PLEASING CATCHPHRASE:
“GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
THAT’S MY FAVORITE. THAT’S MY FAVORITE JOKE TONIGHT. “GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH.” A HUNTING ORGANIZATION HAS JUST
ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE AUCTIONING OFF A DREAM HUNT WITH
DONALD TRUMP JR. WOW. I MEAN, SHOULD THAT EVEN BE
LEGAL? I MEAN, HE’S THE PRESIDENT’S
SON. OH, YEAH, SURE, OKAY– THAT’S
DIFFERENT. HUNT WITH, HUNT WITH? MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE. THE OTHER THING WAS WRONG! WRONG!>>Jon: IT’S NOT HIM.>>Stephen: NOT GOOD! TURNS OUT, WHAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY
BIDDING ON IS AN ALASKA YACHT- BASED SITKA, BLACK-TAILED DEER
HUNT WITH DONALD TRUMP JR. THAT’S TOO MANY THINGS! THAT’S TOO MANY THINGS IN ONE
THING. YOU GOTTA KEEP IT SIMPLE FOR DON
JR.! HE’D BE JUST AS HAPPY WHIPPIN’
LIGHTBULBS AT AN OLD VAN IN THE WOODS!( AS DON JR. )
“ERIC, GO STAND BY THE VAN!” “I DON’T WANT TO.” “STAND BY THE VAN, YOU
BUTT-FACE! COME ON, CATCH IT.” THERE IS ALSO A PERFORMANCE FROM
THE BEACH BOYS. I FOR ONE CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR
DON JR. SINGING ALONG.(SINGING “WOULDN’T IT BE NICE”)
♪ WOULDN’T IT BE NICE TO KILL A MAMMAL
♪ FROM THE COMFORT OF A FANCY YACHT
♪ AND WOULDN’T IT BE NICE IF MY DAD WOULD HUG ME
♪ I GUESS I’LL HUG THE DEER THAT I JUST SHOT ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT! JAMES TAYLOR IS BACK! SWEET BABY JAMES. AND WHEN WE COME BACK, HOW ABOUT
SOME “MEANWHILE!” WOULD YOU LIKE SOME “MEANWHILE.”

100 thoughts on “Joe Biden’s Poor Performance In Iowa Signals Opportunity For Mike Bloomberg’s Campaign

  1. I would like to see some on-site episodes during election time to get people to vote, especially in those traditionally red states.

  2. so what about…'i'll be too busy to golf…i'll release my taxes…mexico will pay…i'll protect social security & medicare…i'll protect pre-existing conditions..china is paying for the tariffs…Obama's unemployment numbers were faked….my numbers using same reports are great…..did I miss anything..??

  3. I get my news from several sources but you, Colbert are always my first pick! I love your political satire and unmatched wit. Political and social accuracy at its finest!

  4. Democrats should just give up and go home. Trump is virtually guaranteed a landslide victory. The fact that you people don't like his personality is irrelevant, because he is doing so dang good.

  5. BIden should be debating whether he moves into an assisted living facility not whether he should become the Democratic candidate. He has lost his marbles and the bag he keeps them in.

  6. We vote so that others can take action on our behalf. We do not vote to perform any specific action, othe than that.
    If your representative won't take that action, what does a vote every four years do?

  7. Obama beats trump again! Presidential front runners promote Obama in their campaign ads but no one will ever use trump!!!

  8. Andrew yang? Sorry buddy no spot for you. Just give us bernie, bernie still the same as others who want to break constitutional rights or an illusion of choice? But sure whatever just let it happen. Never ending cycle of choosing the lesser evil

  9. Biden is too old. Pete 2020!! Harvard educated, been in the military, worked in government in Indiana, speaks 5 or 6 languages, young and ready to go FOR ALL PEOPLE!

  10. Just to be clear…. President Trump is gaining higher and higher support from blacks and latinos and minorities in general "in real time" due to his ability to put people to work and raise wages across the board regardless of race or gender. He's creating a safer middle east and putting terror in check. He's set up higher American prosperity to ensure growing opportunities for Americans through better trade deals. Nobody is denying that and as a matter of fact it is being discussed on air by democrats…. But lets remove him from office? Seriously?

  11. Yes it's now up to the American people to do the Senates job. THE ONE THEY FAILED TO DO ! but now no matter what we the tax payers will be paying trump a salary every single year as long as he lives as well as security details for the whole family ! the Senate can kiss my A S S .

  12. Bloomberg is a vile oligarch and he should sod off. Bernie 2020. Bernie/AOC 2024. AOC 2028.
    Damn Biden looks like he got years older and has beeen crying.

  13. Just do your tricks man just do your tricks spend all of your money if you really care and become the brokest person in America

  14. I'll bid $CA10.00 … no, wait, $CA 1.00 for the hunting tr … wait a sec, okay, final offer, you pay me $CA 1M & I'll go on the trip.

  15. Who can forget that the Disgusting Evangelical Proudly Elected and keep Supporting Sex Predator Racist Trump.
    DISGUSTING CHURCH!!!

  16. Waste of time and money.
    Trump will be re-elected and then be replace by junior and so forth for the rest on time.

  17. Now the the GOP has covered up Trumpโ€™s crimes , it is up to the voters to get rid of the guy .. Due your duty โ€ฆ!!!!!

  18. Trump is destroying the U.S…shredding the constitution… Putin is winning and the GOP are complicit. Generations from now will read about this time in history and wonder why we let it happen.

  19. If he wants a woman or person of color as VP, then pick an individual. Why make it a point to say youโ€™re doing token diversity.

  20. How horrible it would have been to find oneself becoming politically aware but without the Anchor, mad Joy, and Sustenance of Stephen, Seth, Colin, Paula, Jimmy, Ariz, Tina, Sandra, Jon, James…so many more (Iโ€™m sorry) I forgot. Iโ€™m 71, so when I grew aware of DC, there were just the rudiments of The Comedy Community of Critique: TW3, Frost, the Smothers Brothers then SNL, others too, but often in venues unreachable. My point is THANK YOU FUNNY FOLKS WHO DO FEARLESS POLITICAL COMMENTARY. I canโ€™t imagine surviving Trump without you. I BARELY had enough support to survive Reagan.

  21. It doesn't matter anyway. The Jewish Elite/ Conglomerate Corporations have already made up their mind as to who will be in office next year. And unless the an economic crash happens I don't think Trump can be voted out of office. I am neither A (D) or a (R). It's just my honest opinion, looking at it objectively without an allegaince to either party.

  22. hey Russia….if you have any sense you will walk away while we are loading …#NUCLEAROPTION #NEEDANEWASHTRAY TO SNUFF BUTTS OUT IN

  23. If you continue insulting Democratic candidates and creating this false equivalency, Trump will win the 2020 election. This is how he won in 2016. I gave it a thumb up for the song at the end, though.

  24. Stephen Colbert is a great salve for the hurting soul of these times. I thank God for Stephen Colbert's humor and integrity.

  25. if voting mattered it would have already been outlawed. ppl are so gullible and naive. people who vote have no right to complain. both parties are the same corporate buttkissers. you just get to choose which buttkissers ignore you and your family. that's all. nothing to see here. please disperse. dumb as hell………

  26. Let's hold an auction where the winner gets to take a gun and the president's son to Alaska.
    Any body else feel that?

  27. So the Beach Boys from the Left Coast are right Wingers? This Administration is awesome at exposing people's true colors. The band formerly known as Beach Boys is now Pond Scum.

  28. I feel the only person who can crush Trump is a real billionaire, Mike Bloomberg , someone needs to stop the wannabe dictator Trump. What a nightmare.

  29. We need to get Trump and those dirty republicans that protected him out of office. Now that the people of America have seen how corrupt the republican senate really is, It's about time we get those criminals out of Washington. God Bless America and God Bless Mitt Romney for doing the right thing…

  30. Call the Democrats what you will but, they tend to get the lead in minority Presidents. So the tally is first Catholic, first Black guy, and come November we might just get the first Gay or Jewish President. Though Republicans did get the first Orange President hehehehe.

  31. so funny wen he talk so much a bout the losers and no about BERNIE the winner wow u can tell whom own him ,,, SOME ONE SAY ELITE .

  32. Joe Biden is experiencing onset dementia and his wife should have him pull out of the race and get him to a doctor for a diagnosis. I don't recall him having a stuttering problem.

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