ARK’s Dinosaur Lore vs Reality – TimberTaft Bestiary

ARK’s Dinosaur Lore vs Reality – TimberTaft Bestiary


Oh, my gosh, the package is finally here!
Hmm. Is something wrong, sir? It says here on the wiki that this thing’s supposed to
be four foot high, have frills, and spit acid, but I see none of that. Sir sir, that is premium
content. You ordered the basic package. That is the most– basic package? Sir– It is the
most scientifically accurate, sir. Scientifically accurate. Yeah. Sir, if you’d just sign here
to confirm receipt of the package– I don’t want it! This is knockoff Chinese Dilophosaur.
I’m refusing shipment! Fine. Fine. Man, I hate dinosaur misconceptions like these. And
to think he really tried to convince me that Dilophosaurs didn’t have frills, didn’t spit
acid, and were not four foot high. Ah, she is out! She is– Shoot her! Shoot her! The
Dilophosaurus was not actually four foot, and was not capable of spitting venom, nor
did it have colorful frills. These were all nice, little embellishments that our good
friend Michael Crichton added to the Dilophosaurus when he wrote his book, Jurassic Park. A popularized
version that, of course, the developers of ARK thought was much more interesting. Look,
the developers are not stupid, people. They know well enough that this is not exactly
accurate in the same way that your local fast food chains manager is well aware that the
ground beef you are receiving is also not exactly accurately cow. In fact, they address
it. In the dossiers, they tend to have these pseudo greko-latin names that imply certain
characteristics of the dinos. The first part is always the species name of a dinosaur that
actually existed followed by a subspecies category that does not exist. Some of these
sound like they could have been wrestler names in the WWE. And, over in this corner, at a
height of three feet, with a notoriously skittish temperament, the Oviraptor Philodator, also
known as the Egg-Seizing Love Giver. Or, how about the prehistoric equivalent to the modern
day monkey, the Mesopithecus Amicufur, also known as the Middle Monkey Furry Friend known
for its propensity for using fecal biochemcial warfare. Truly an unscrupulous opponent. And
yes, the Oviraptor, aka the Egg-Seizing Love Giver, is actually responsible for making
eggs produce out of your dinos at such a rapid tick you would swear they were chickens in
a chicken coop. And even the Mesopithecus Amicufur, the Middle Monkey Furry Friend,
will be your friend as long as you sit down, have a nice chat, have a laugh, and give him
some berries. He can be tamed totally non-violently, which is very telling based on the name. As
for the inconsistencies with the Dilophosaurus, look at that its second name is Sputatrix
meaning that it spits. Or we can look at the Direwolf. In real life it is called the Canis
Dirus, but in the game it is called the Canis Maxdirus. This expalins why the in-game Direwolf
is much larger than what is supposed to be just a bulkier version of a normal wolf in
real life, but not big enough to be rideable like you are some orc in Warcraft! I am sorry,
Thrall, but your war wolf is about as real as the cheese inside of a box of Kraft Mac
and Cheese. Giant dogs, is that the best you have? I am still going on my picnic, man.
You are not stopping me from enjoying my prehistoric lunch. Well, I am afraid to tell you that
both your lunch and the dogs are not safe from the Titanomyrma, if you happen to have
your park set in swampland, because the Titanomyrma, this prehistoric ant, is the size of a canine.
Well, okay, Chihuahua size, but it’s still impressive, it is an ant! In real life it
came out to be just slightly bigger than the biggest ant that we have. Nevertheless, it
is dangerous and it will nip off your head as well as Fidos. Besides, why are you camping
out in the middle of the swamp? Do you not know that there are Titanoboas out there the
size of T Rexs that are gonna strangle you? At least, they would be the size of T Rexs
if their size was accurate to real life. They have frills again! What is with the frills,
guys? Are the Titanoboa and the Dilophosaurus getting together for a tea party later or
something? Because I did not get the dresscode memo. Not that you would want to drink the
tea anyway because the tea is probably the Titanoboas venom that it should not have because
in real life the Titanoboa was a constrictor, not a venemous snake. But let us be honest,
you are all watching so you can see those nice, furry, big, warm-blooded mammals, are
you not? And, I mean, hey, who could ever forget the historically accurate Mammoths
of ARK. Those creatures with their beloved and well renowned ivory tusks menacing with
spikes. Let me just clarify this, this is spikes on their spikes! They have bone impalers
with impalers attached to them. It wins an award for being cool as heck, but I am pretty
sure Mammoths were dangerous enough without having maces sticking out of their faces.
And speaking of maces to the faces, let us have a little discussion about dimorphism,
which, for most intents and purposes, you will probably realize, is just the difference
between the male and the female, or in the case of humans, the man and the woman if you
know what I am saying. I do not know how to put this delicately, so I will not. Hey, male
Anglerfish, that light makes you look like a girl! Seriously, the female version has
the light, the male does not! He relies on her for light and for sustaining his entire
existence. He is more or less a leech off the female Anglerfish. This also applies to
the prehistoric kangaroo, the Procoptodon, and it is a sin trying to pronounce that so
do not even bother. The male should not have a kangaroo pouch and, if he does, he should
put it away, that is a female attribute used for taking care of the young. Now I am sure
you have heard quite enough of my pedantic nitpicking at these little minor things that
they got wrong in the game, but ultimately… What is that? Oh, no, what is that? What is
that thing that I am currently staring at. An Anklyosaurus? Oh, that is sooner a Porcupine
then it is an Anklyosaurus. This is more of a Euoplocephalus, which is a spiked dinosaur,
similar to the Anklyosaurs, but not quite. The Anklyosaurus had plate armor, which is
totally different. It did not have the spikes. This is some kind of weird fusion of the two
of them. But it is whatever, I can let it go as long as– A Trike? Like the three-wheeled
bicycle, a trike? Hold on, checking the manual, making sure that there is not a tricycle horn
that I can attach to this thing. For real, though, this is actually kind of clever naming
on the developers part because they knew that what they were putting here, this little genetic
abomination is not a Triceratops. It is a fusion, again, between the Triceratops and
the Styracosaurus mostly based on the placement, amount, and lengths of the horns. I have seen
it all at this point. I am not even going to be surprised if– dear god, Master Frodo,
what is that? Let him go! I understand the logic here. Giant spiders accompanying our
giant insects, but please. This Shelob is not even a real thing at all. This Araneo,
as it is so called in the game, is based on orb weaver spiders of modern day, however,
even in its actual pseudo scientific name, it is called an amalgamate. In other words,
it is an orb weaver spider with all the orb weaver spider attributes you could possible
conceive of. You just know that the mad, genius scientist that concocted this one was drunk
off his heels because he can not even remember what he put inside of its genetic structure.
Eh, sure, wolf spider, trapdoor spider, tarantula. It will all mix. Now I will admit, despite
all of the misconceptions that I have stated so far, the ARK developers have done a pretty
good job of skirting the line of just about being factual with their dinosaurs. It is
actually downright applaudable in a game where something called the DodoRex can stomp around
right alongside relatively accurate Gallimimus. Sometimes, though, the developers of ARK throw
caution to the wind and just want to be a cool kid. Whoa, gang way, everybody. This
lizard is about to go on its maiden voyage. Look at that sail! I christen thee, okay,
okay, I will not smash a bottle on you after all. I know that look. I can take a hint.
Now, before you lose your mind over this living, breathing, reptilian version of the Black
Pearl, buyer beware. What you are actually looking at here is a rat cross bred with the
Lizardman from Soul Calibur 2. That is to say that it is not real. The Dimetrodon as
a whole was actually a mammal. In other words, a warm-blooded, probably skinned, probably
furred creature similar to a porcupine or muskrat. And yes, the Dimetrodon does more
or less resemble a miniature version of the Spinosaur at this point. Despite the inaccuracies
with the Dimetrodon, the developers of ARK decided to actually give an updated version
of the Spinosaur– One that makes it have quadrupedal movement rather than bipedal.
I suppose that the thought of having a prehistoric, dinosaur Quasimodo was just a little bit too
much. Sorry, this is the end! I do not have any more misconceptions for you. There is
a Dilophosaurus out there and it really wants some meat. On the bright side, if I could
tame it I am gonna have a pet dinosaur. See you guys next time. Hopefully I do not die
and will be able to make another episode for you. Until then, later. Thank you everybody
for watching! If you enjoyed this video, please remember to leave a like, subscribe, and comment
if you have something to say. If not, say something anyway. I do not care, I can like
it. Make it go to the top of the charts! You will be famous, I tell you! If you want to
see more content like this one, you can hit on the giant video that is now before you
to be taken to a playlist of my other content that I had done in the past such as this top
ten video and this bestiary entry about ReDeads that I did a long time ago. Go ahead and click
on that. I am sure that you are going to enjoy it. If you want to see more content in the
future, you can hit the giant subscribe button, which will help me immensely, so please do
it. I will appreciate it. Otherwise, you can follow me on Twitch, Twitter, Facebook. All
of that is in the description. You can follow those links and you will be able to see my
entire life displayed before your eyeballs. I have got a lot of stuff that I need to update
you guys on, but I can not do it with just an end card, so expect an announcement video
in the next couple of days. Until then, see you guys. One of the strings is broken! Yee-haw!
Get it out! Shoot her! Shoot her! What the hell is with this egg? Come on! I did not
know you were that out of shape. Holy *redacted* ! Yeah, that is bad. Oh, that is real bad.
Okay. I am going to have to learn to wash velour. It is gross though. I did see a splatter
over in this direction. We had the good fortune that none of it got on my desktop. Yeah, wow.
Oh, nope. Spoke too soon. Premium content, like the acid spitting and the frills, you
will have to pay the premium surcharge. Look, you and I played Tennis together, Frank. My
name is Terry, sir, and my mother was killed playing a game of Tennis. Okay, I derailed
this, I am sorry.

53 thoughts on “ARK’s Dinosaur Lore vs Reality – TimberTaft Bestiary

  1. You're probably the funniest youtuber around right now.
    I gave this spot to Jontron a few years ago, but I don't like as jokes as much anymore, while you still hit the mark with almost every joke.

    Also you are quite handsome, have I ever stated that before?

  2. Jeez, next you're gonna say every dinosaur had some form of feathers, like some sort of sissy bird. 😉 Love the work and, as always, I can see you put a lot of love in it. P.S. I actually think it's cooler to imagine feathers on dinos like peacocks or birds of paradise. Hella pimp.

  3. This is literally the best video in all of youtube. That new actor who played the courier is so hot, I just wish he had been shirtless for the wrestler scene. You should have scenes with him and the Hebo guy.

  4. This is great. I was a huge dinosaur nerd growing up, so (despite enjoying ark), always chuckled at some of the blatant unrealistic design for the sake of coolness (or just laziness).

  5. the spinosaurus is actually accurate
    the only thing that was inaccurate was that spinosaurus walked on its "knuckles"

  6. When you're pointing out dinosaur misconceptions, yet still pronouncing it ANKLEOSAURUS instead of ANK-EYE-LOW-SAW-RUSS.

  7. Wow… Exactly what i was looking for!! Plus 1 sub for you. This was pretty much the only video like this and it was cheesy (good cheesy) but also very interesting!! You could go far!!

  8. Guess what, the velociraptor in real life was about the size of a modern turkey, looked like a mini ground hawk, and was no smarter than a hampster. Now let that sink in.

  9. Ark recently developed a plot to fix their errors that this like an alien experiment and the dinosaurs are recreated to be similar to earth dinosaurs, cool concept, lousy excuse/

  10. Don’t forget the Brontosaurus misnamed by Apatosaurus. Giganotosaurus is supposed to be 43 feet long while T Rex is supposed to be 40 feet long , but strong damage than Giganotosaurus. Spinosaurus is okay since 2014, but it’s supposed to be fifty feet long, and bipedal when on land.

  11. Did you know that the creatures are artificially created.https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2015/09/25/ark-survival-evolved-dinosaur-accuracy/

  12. Just saying, dimetrodon was NOT a mammal. But it is true its much closer to mammals than dinosaurs or any other reptile. Could have whiskers, fur is a bit unlikely (but not scales either) Would have a more upright posture and not drag its belly on the ground.

  13. The ark Dinos are supposedly diff species, not diff subspecies homo habilis is not same species as modern hooman

  14. Uhm You know that ark has its own story.
    All dinosaurs all creatures that are in ark are actually made by aliens so of course they are inaccurate

  15. Don't forget about the "Pteranodon Wyvernus", the Toothless Winged Wyvern.
    But the model has teeth.
    And the females have large crests.

  16. I think what gives them a free pass for the inaccuracies is that they covered their ass with the "scientific names" and the lore of Ark indicates it's all man (alien?) made so they can be basically whatever and it can't be "wrong" lol

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