– Michelle Wolf, it took five
years, but thank you for coming on the show.
– (whiney) Thanks for having me. I’m trying to do my impression
of Dan’s impression of me. – It’s always fun to do ’cause
I’ll do Jay’s impression of me. Ready? I go… (deep voice)
Big Jay Oakerson’s gonna be at the Stress Factory
in Connecticut. – (deep voice) No. No.
I don’t do it like… No. – Dude! Dude! ♪♪ It’s Michelle Wolf. (cheering sound effect)
– Whoa. – Finally on the show.
– Finally. Finally on the show.
– Five years and you finally asked me to be on your show. – Finally.
– No. Michelle’s never been on the show ever?
– Never been on it. One of my best friends and she’s
never been on it. – She was supposed to be on, but then it was
a running late thing. – Oh, you know what?
And we were gonna wait till Robert Kraft’s jerk video
came out, and it never did. – Oh, yeah! – We were trying to have you
on with the jerk video. – So didn’t before you guys went
to see LCD Soundsystem, like… – No, I came into the studio,
but I was late. – ‘Member, she sat down
and she was like, “I don’t want to jump in
’cause I’ll talk.” – Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. – That’s when we did speed,
and then we stayed up for three days on drugs.
– Yeah, you know, sometimes Ari gives you something and he’s
just like, “It’s a combo.” – Yeah.
– You should ask what’s in the combo.
– Yeah. Yeah, you should definitely ask
what’s in the combo. – I don’t take much of what Ari
hands me and goes, “Do this.” – Ari definitely handed us that
and did say it was a combo. And then we were definitely up
for three days. – Three days. – I came in.
– I know. – We did the show.
– But you weren’t up three days. – Mm. Two… Yeah, I mean one
day into then the next, and then I barely slept
into the third. – It was one of those times
where I was like, “Why don’t I have
a final to study for?” – Yeah, this would
be a great time. – It would have been
a great, really. – Or moving.
If I was moving, I could have boxed
everything up. – Yeah, there is a shitty
feeling about being… Like, being up at 7:00
in the morning sucks no matter what,
it just kind of sucks. Being up at 7:00 in the morning
and like, “I should be tired…” – Yeah.
– Sucks. That really sucks. – You know, what really sucks?
Being up at 9:15 in the morning And you’re really…
You’re like, “I’ve peed 40 times in the last
three hours.” – Yeah, the last time, uh…
me and Christine– – I felt so skinny though. – Oh, I had abs
for days. – The last time me and Christine
did, like, anything like molly or something like that,
it was like one of those– noon, we went to sleep
at noon, finally. Just sucked.
– Ah, and then you wake up at 6:00 p.m.
– And no… Didn’t take 5-HTPs the next day
was also like a war. – What is that? What’s 5-HT–
– The thing that saves your next day.
– What is that? – It’s a natural
serotonin enhancer. – It’s called 5-HTP?
– 5-HTP. – Huge.
– Never had a problem with anything like that… – I didn’t even know
that was a thing. – …until not
taking that pill. – I’m just bare backing drugs
out here. – Wow, that is the main reason
I don’t do a lot of drugs. Is because of that.
– The next day thing. – Yeah.
– (laughing) And I didn’t need to know
that that existed. – You just turned Michelle Wolf
into a full-on drug addict. – It’s like GNC shit.
– Yeah. – She’s gonna have
a big GNC bag. And she goes, “I got
a trip coming up.” – I’m telling ya.
Stay h– Stay hydrated. Two of those the night of
and then two the next morning when you get up…
We never had a pr– Never had a problem. – Uh, we’ll Tweet it out…
– I mean, that said… – We’ll Tweet it out–
– Five times I’ve done something, you know what I mean? – But, you know, what
a great radio show. We also tell you how to get over
the drug hangover. – Yeah!
– What other show does that? – I love it…
– And you love it. – Michelle Wolf, big news.
“Bad Girls Club” is coming back. Where are you at on that? You give a shit?
– I, uh… – Did you ever watch
“Bad Girls Club”? – I never watched it.
– Really? – I don’t watch any of
those reality shows. – You should.
– None? – I watch a lot of cooking
shows, and a lot of people trying to find houses. – You don’t like real
genuine violence? (laughter) – Those shows make me–
When I see girls fight, it makes me very anxious.
– I bet. I can see that. – Man, there’s a lot of it. It’s the kind of hair–
– When I see guy– It’s weird, when I see girls
fight, not so much, but when I do see guys
in those things. Remember the guy that got,
like, his head butt? Like his thing on Tila Tequila,
like, split his jaw open. When I see that, you’re like,
“I don’t know, it is, like, s–” – Do you bark at the TV?
You go… (barks) (barks) And they go, “Jay,
he’s not in the room.” (barks) – But the girl fights
are always so ridiculous. And also because they seem to be
able to absorb and throw flurries of 700 punches
and maybe get, like, one little, like,
tiny cut right here. – Yeah, they’re like,
they’re like straw weights. They just exchange, and walk
away with very minimal damage. And they also hockey fight. They grab hair
and they just fucking slam… – Well, they look
like they have, I mean, watching women fight
is like one of those things where you’re like, maybe women
shouldn’t be in charge, like, they just–
they never have a target. They’re just, like,
swinging violently. And you’re like, at least
when guys fight they’re like,
they try to connect. – Yeah, it’s always…
They also hit with the inside of their hands a lot
on these shows. It’s a lot of, like.
– It’s anything though. I think maybe, though, in–
without technical training… – Yeah.
– …a guy just has a better intuition on fighting than
a woman has, I think, for sure. Because a woman who’s trained is
fucking devastating as anything else.
That’s what I’m saying. – What if they brought
in a ringer? I think it’s like a guy,
but also, like, an uncoordinated guy fight is just as funny as
anything you’ll ever see. – What if, like, right before
you, like, went on that show, you, like, took boxing?
– That’s what I was saying. I was gonna say, what if
you had a ringer? What if you brought in
a woman who was, like, she had a crusty record
of like 4-4 in MMA? But she still got four wins.
– Yeah. – Lawsuits.
Too many lawsuits. Too many lawsuits.
They need drunk, sloppy, uh, fat or super,
like, skinny… I think that’s what they need. They need, like,
little tiny girls to get tossed around by,
like, big fat women. If you go through their–
– That’s basically what professional wrestling
is, too. – Top hundred fights. – Top 100 fight.
And by the way, it’s the top 100 fights which
means they narrowed it down from many more.
– Yeah. – This is what– I would try
to win “Bad Girl’s Club,” by going–
For a year, I’d take boxing. Like, really serious.
– Oh, yeah. – And then, I’d just, like–
But I’d, like, just go and pretend like I’m just
like a drunk. I’d practice drunk,
too, every day. – You know what you should do?
You should do drunken tiger you should do the drunken
kind of style like the old– – Or like a style no
one’s ever heard of. Like, “I hear Michelle keeps
saying not to fuck with her. She knows ‘shao khan.'” (laughter) – I don’t know; she said
it’s a lot of claw work. (laughter) She comes at it,
and she’s like– Dude, she’s– It’s the first
night of the “Bad Girls Club.” And like, “What you
looking at, bitch?” And she just goes… “Come at me.” She’s got a three stick
nunchakus. – (whooshing sounds) – (voice)Do you think your
Wu Tang saw can defeat me?(clinking sound effect) – She goes, “I’ve been waiting
for you, Nina.” “I’ll fucking kill you, bitch!” – Get over here, Aliccia.
– With two C’s. (laughter) – Ka, ka, ka, ka. Ka… Yeah, man, those… – Bring up
the hundred best fights. – Yeah, let’s see some of these.
– And skip ahead. I mean, get to the biggies. – What I respect about
Jay’s fandom is he’s very honest that
these are the fights that always…
– It looks like limo porn. – Titties and ass
always come out. – Of course. Yeah.
– Yeah. – Like is that the–
Guys like watching women fight for that reason, right?
– Yeah. – That their…
– Tit… – Did you say that?
– Titties and ass come out. – But what was
your point of that? – Oh, I was saying, like, you–
What I love is you love every element of these fights.
It’s not just the violence. It’s mostly that the titties
and ass come out. – Oh, no. It’s– You don’t see the titties
and the ass ever, so really it’s mostly about the violence.
– But you get it. – No, you don’t get it.
If they were showing the gash, dude, that’s–
this show would be… I’d have a problem. (laughter) I’d have a…
No, no, no, no, no. You don’t see–
There’s no nudity. – Christine would have an
intervention where she’d go, “Hey can you guys come over
on Wednesday, we’re gonna step in on Jay
watching ‘Bad Girls Club.'” – Wait, do you still call
vaginas “gashes”? – I call it my st– Well… (laughter) It made the most sense
in that situation. Flashing gash.
– And you know what, it does. – I like rhyming.
I like rhyme scheme. – Also, yeah, Jay will– Jay uses the proper “pussle”
word for the situation. – Pussle, also, I would say. – Pussle’s a funny word. She pulled a pussle muscle. (laughter) –Crazy bitches.– Shanae vs–
–I wanna fight.I wanna fight.
– The house.– Word? Oh, word?
– Because I wanna fight.–‘Cause I wanna
(bleep) with you.– For what though?– Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, look at that,
they’re all just… – They’re all just doing this.
– They’re all just coming in. – And then men come in
and pull them apart. – And then their tits
are flopping around. – No, get the (bleep) off her. – Then another girl comes in
and claims it’s her sister even though they’re
not related at all. – Dude, that girl…
That girl that goes, “I just want to fight,”
she’s the kinda girl that you come back
to your apartment and she goes, “I’m about
to burn everything.” And you go,
“Why are you doing that?” She goes, “‘Cause you
were mean to me.” (imitates match strike
and fire burning) – “I wanted the white wine.” – Yeah.
– I think somebody’s signed off one of
the uncensored fight… – Yeah.
– …from one ’em came out once. And it was, like,
an over the top amount of nudity and these girls
not giving a shit in front of this whole staff.
– Yeah, dude. – But, like, what happens?
They fight and then they just go back to being in the house?
– The challenge. – To living.
Yup. No. You know what they do? They send them to a hotel
the rest of the night. And in the morning,
they come back. – I would fight
every night then. – Every night,
just to get a good– You go– You go, am I
problematic in the house? Yes. Are my Hilton Honors
numbers up? – You go, “All right, girls.
I’m getting ready to turn in, so, uh… (spitting sound)! (grunting) Spit in her face. – She goes, “What time
do we have to be at the winery tomorrow?”
“About 8:00 a.m.” Pow!
– (laughing) Yeah. – “Perfect, I can still get
the continental breakfast.” – “Your boyfriend just
slid into my DMs.” (grunting) – She goes, “Hey, do you guys–
Does the Hampton Inn– Do they have rooms available?” They go, “Yeah, they do.” And she goes,
“Stone Cold Stunner!” Ka! And just drops
one of the girls. – Is the whole premise of this
show that they’re bad girls? – Yes.
– Hello, it’s a club. – But, like–
– No, no, no. – They go to therapy–
– No! No, no, no, no, no. I’ll say this.
Let me, let me… I’ll tell you here, Michelle. It’s, uh, there was a point… The show started off, and it
picked up all this buzz based off them, like,
fighting and shit. And then that Tanisha girl
got very, very popular. She was the most– Christine,
you could bring up Tanisha. She now does everything
on the Oxygen network. She would host all
the reunions and everything. And then it got popular
for, like, the fighting. And they couldn’t in
good conscious on the Oxygen network– – She definitely has
a winning record. – “Television for women.”
Oxygen. They couldn’t in good conscious
make it seem like they’re just exploiting drunk idiots
with, as we’re being told, behavioral problems. – In the article, they say
they cast women with psychological
and behavior issues. – Jesus.
– Now, in the middle of… – These are gators that
were poked at. – Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. “The casting of Bad Girls would
enjoy a luxurious lifestyle “in a fine mansion
for three months, “during which they had to obey
specified rules. “Their lives inside
and outside of the house were chronicled and recorded
by a production team.” They’d, uh, so…
They would go in there, and so, for a few seasons, for them wanting to be like,
“Well this isn’t just “exploiting these drunk idiots. Let’s throw life coaches in.” And there would be
these moments that I would just
fast forward through like the rest,
until finally, about a season
or two, maybe three of that, then they just go like,
“No, no, no. We’re cutting into the time they could
be getting drunk.” You can– There’s stuff that’s
not fighting, you can set up with them getting drunk. You can send them out
to do, like, and I fast forward to this
too, but the adventures… “We’re all going wave running
today, whatever, or wave runners, and we’re all
going to– to this club.” When they get to the club,
though, at night, stop fast forwarding
because that’s… whatever they’re going to fight
about later… – That’s where it happens.
– …when they go home and square up in dresses, the birth of that is happening
at that club. – But is there, like, a…
There’s no winner? It’s just, they… – They consider themselves
winners if you’re the person who’s been there the longest. – Oh, you get kicked
out of the house? – Yeah, it’s a king of the hill.
– Starts off with eight people. It ends up being a cast,
probably, of like 13 to 16 when it’s all said and done. It’s three hours
of reunion show. – If you fight,
they kick you off. – No, no, no. – What’s the one…
– If you fight, you’ll be kicked off if you do
something that they deem too… One person took a stiletto, almost stabbed someone
in the eye with it. – That was the one
I watched with you. – Sent away.
– Right. – That’s gonesky. For the most part,
you can fight and stay. What it is is they beat people
up until they decide to leave. Or you come home
from the hotel one night, and they’ve put all
of your belongings, even family heirlooms and all
kinds of shit, just in the pool
with your mattress and all your clothes,
and then… – These are bad girls.
– …sometimes they’ll cry and pack their bags,
and garbage bags, and they’ll kick ’em right out
in garbage bags and put ’em in a cab. – It’s very, very bad girls. – Then they’ll high five
and put on make up and go out to a club
and come home and two more people
will fight– Three fights an episode!
Three fights an ep. – What’s great is that there
is definitely a producer that got a promotion
’cause he goes, “Let’s pull the life coach.” And someone went, “God damn it,
you’re a smart guy, Ronald.” And he goes, “Thank you.
I think this’ll speed up a lot of the fighting.”
– You think there’s, like, one night, when they’re like,
“I just want to read tonight.” – Yeah.
– Yup, they do. And then everybody goes out,
and then it shows them home reading,
and while they’re out, everybody else goes like,
“I’m sick of that bitch thinking she’s better than us.”
And then someone gets hammered and comes home and fights
the reading girl. Every time.
– Which by the way, I wanna know–
I wanna know stats just from a gambler’s
perspective. I bet those readers are
in a high-90s win percentage against those women
coming back from the club. – Oh…
– I’d probably say they win… I would put the reader–
– Depends what they’re angry about.
– It would depend on, also, how sneak of attack
it is, you know? – Well, I think the sobriety
is a bigger thing. I think the reader’s got it
at 80% chance of winning. – Readers got an advantage
’cause they’re not hammered for sure, however, the person
hammered sometimes has a lot more fury in them.
– Right. – Because it’s like, she judged
my motherhood earlier. – Oh, man, that’s
one of my favorite ones– – And she had an hour
to think about it. – Yeah.
– She’s been stewing. – And drinking heavily.
– Yeah. – And now she’s coming home
and she’s like, “You know what? I’m just gonna go
fucking start–” That’s– By the way, that little
video we watched right there is indicative of that.
The girl– That was what happened.
– Yeah. I don’t know if it was
the same thing, but the girl was in sweatpants
and the other girl was going, “I’m fucking with you
’cause I want to.” Like, “I want to– I want to
fight you, that’s why.” She’s a drunk girl going,
“I want to fight you.” And one person’s going, “I don’t know what you’re even
talking about?” – But that’s how
I knew Ronda Rousey was a little white trash was when she fought Miesha Tate
the second time or whatever. – I think it’s ’cause
her name’s Ronda. – I mean, that’s probably
the best– That would be… That would be the biggest clue.
‘Cause her name’s Ronda. – I knew she was white garbage
when I heard her name was Ronda. And she’s a gazillionaire
and drives around in a Trans Am. – Dude, she beat Miesha Tate,
I think, for the second time, and she got kinda emotional,
and she goes– – Then made out with her?
– No, she goes, “She was talking
about my family.” – Oh, yeah, yeah.
– “Don’t talk about my family.” And she said it the same way
a lot of those Bad Girls Club where they go, “Because
she was talking about my–” – “Don’t talk about my family.”
– Yeah. And then they’re just like… – That is Bad Girls.
That is “Bad Girls Club.” They’re like, “Don’t.”
Like, “No, ’cause she fucking mentions my father,
and that’s like…” (inhales)
“That’s like my… That’s like,
my one thing.” And they get, like, so… – Can we do “Bonfire Bad Club”? “Bad Girls Club” with Michelle.
– Yeah, the confessionals. Dude, if we had confessionals
on the tapes, – I go, “Michelle was supposed
to be here at 7:00. This bitch walking in at 7:04.” – Dude, it’s just the thing
you were saying, like, we– – “I’ve been trying to get on
the ‘Bonfire’ for five years. Five years!” – “My family’s
not good enough?” – Dude, we should have
the confessionals, we’re in the middle,
like, Michelle– just goes to Michelle
by herself going like, “Whoa, what did I walk into?” And then it shows,
like, me and you… – And then it shows me.
I go, “Everyone knows Danny Sodes is
the baddest bitch.” – I love the wave.
The wave, “No, no.” – This is my favorite.
He goes, “First-of-all-Dan, “I-run-this-show.
– “Ask– Ask Jacob. Ask Jacob who the realest bitch
in this–” – “I did ask him.
I did ask-ed him, Dan. And a-what?! Oh, what?”
– “Oh… Ask him. Ask him.” (overlapping dialogue) – “Did you ask-ed him?
– And then, randomly, I just go… (laughter) “Fuck you, ho!
Fuck you, ho!” – Girls slut dancing when
they’re fighting each other, “Bitch, ’cause what?
‘Cause what? Why you mad, bitch? Why’s you mad, huh?” – “Oh, I bet yo’ man
misses this.” – Can you imagine wanting
to fight and dance at the same time?
– “Ooh.” – I’m so mad, but I’ll go,
“Ooh! Ooh!” – “Fuck you, I’ll fuckin’ rip
your throat out.” – You know when the girl–
How about the girl– Remember the girl getting
kicked off the airplane? She goes, “Fuck, y’all.
Fuck, y’all. Fuck, y’all.” And her ass comes out.
– Yeah, can you bring her up? – It’s one of the best
things ever. “Fuck, y’all.”
(Michelle laughing) – I mean, there’s–
– “Tootsie roll.” – I know we wanted to talk about
it later, but it really has made me think that
on “Bad Girls Club,” instead of having
these big giant dudes break up these fights,
you should have Bagel Boss guy. (Jay laughing)
– This, like, 4’11” dude coming in going,
“Break it up!” And then they just fucking
tear him apart. – Well, the crazy fight
we saw outside the VU where the guy fucking punched
his wife in the face. The guy who got
to break that up first was a Bagel Boss-looking guy
who just– He hugged
the whole guy’s head. And it was the worst guy. It was the worst guy to be
the quote-unquote “hero of the night.” – Just think about someone
hugging someone’s head. Just be like–
– He’s like, “Shh, shh, shh.” – Yeah. He was.
And he was like, “Y-Y-Yeah!” He goes, “Yeah, he’s lucky
those cops came here. I woulda whupped his ass.”
– “Oh, I promise you…” Oh, he was so irritating.
All right, dude. – “You’re real lucky.”
– It’s like, there’s 700 bouncers out here. – Oh, dude, here she is.
Here’s future Mrs. Soder. –Record all you — want.
– I mean… –Yeah!!! Yeah! – I never get
the point of that. “Fuck, y’all, and ay…
tootsie roll.”– Yeah, come fight me then!(man screaming)– Look at that…
–Whoo!– Look at–
Why is no one taking her? – I… love… her. – “Fight me then, bitch!”
–Insult my mother?My mother makes more mother–
money than you.How about–– Yes. – By the way, acceptable
response there is when she’s making her way down the aisle
to go fight the girl, she’s saying, “Come fight me,” if just one girl, just– just
completely snuck knocked her out from the side, that would
have been acceptable. ‘Cause, like,
we’re trying to leave. Being on a fucking plane
and being held up by that, you’re like, “Cunt, I have to
fucki– I hate this already.” And now you’re gonna
make this– drag this out for a half hour? – Can you imagine being the guy that got drug off
the United flight? – “I wanna go home…”
– And they’re like, “Wait, you’re just gonna let her
walk off the plane?!” – Oh, you mean the… – Yeah, well she showed
her pussy. – “You gonna drag me by my…”
– She shows her pussy, so… – She kinda jiggled her ass,
so that kinda– that gives her
walking privilege. – Like, “Miss you have to go.
Miss you have to– Hey… all right.”
– “What was that?” – “Miss, no, seriously, but
now– Now, miss, come on, but, seriously,
you have to go.” Like, they get really
nice about it. – Oh, you go– She starts
dancing on you, you go, “All right. All right.”
– “Okay, I mean, I can do this for a second. Oh… shit.”
– (laughing) Dude! – “Oh, well, we’re about to
close the cabin door? “All right, come on, sweetie,
you gotta get out of here. Come on. I love you though.”
– You have a flight attendant– – “You’ve been fun.”
– Pilot’s like… “Hands up here.”
– “Hey, what’s up?!” – ‘Cause you know some of
those flight attendants wanna dance all the time.
– Oh, yeah. – They’re just ready to dance. – Yeah, they’re like,
“Come on, girl. Get off.” Yeah, that guy that got dragged. “I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.” – He did not– He did not
get treated that good. – He didn’t… He had fucking
his belly was out… – “I wanna go home.”
Let’s take– Should we take
our last break? – Let’s take our last break. Should we come back
with Bagel Boss? – We watched the Bagel Boss
guy’s… No showing piece of shit.
– What a piece of shit. – What a piece of shit.
– What a piece of shit. – Wait?
He was supposed to be on? – Oh, not here.
– Oh. – You’ll see what he was
supposed to do. You’ll see.
That’s how you… – As a performer, you’ll be…
you’ll go, “This guy’s fucked up.”
– That’s how you tease the next break. Radio.
– Sickness. – Why’d we make Christine
sit off by herself? – Christine, what are you doing? – Why don’t you go get snacks
for our setup here? We’re doing it like
talk show style today. – Yeah, we’re gonna
invite people over. Yeah. – Maybe some snacks.
– Accoutrement. – I’m gonna give you my card.
You get some sn– I don’t want a Clif Bar. (laughter) I don’t want it. – Oh, oh. Guys. – She’s ramming that
Clif Bar down my throat. I’m sorry you’re carry it.
I don’t want it. ♪♪ (fire crackling) How many juices have you drank?
– I’m Tropicana Dan. – Oh, you got a cold.
– Yeah. – You’re trying to beat it
with vitamin C. – The white trash way.
– Oh, we couldn’t get Christina to go until a large black guy
walked by, and then she went
to follow him immediately. – She wanted a big ol’…
She wanted a family– – She was more up
his shit earlier. You turned it too slow.
– Dude, do you think this guy’s about to grind
on this skateboard? – Oh, really?
You’re about to get it? I hope so, so much. – Oh my God, if these guy go
full rail grind… right? – Yeah.
– Is that what it’s called? Rail grind?
– They’re gonna do it. – Grinding. Yeah.
– Should we be… – Not like gay grinding
which is dudes just banging in random bathrooms.
What’s that? – We have to give high thumbs up
so they know we want them
to do it. – See, look, they’re–
No, they’re figuring the specs. – Yeah. Pick a guy.
– No, they bailed. – Aw, I was gonna say pick a guy
and we’ll do voices for them. – (skater imitation)
“Hey, what’s up?” He goes, “I’m not liking
the 90-degree angle on the way down.”
– Yeah. “I’m worried, about to go take
a tumble into that giant life-sized chess game.”
– “Quite honestly… “Oh, no, that grind could end up in a fucking sick-ass
head injury. (fire crackling) Welcome to the “Bonfire.”
– I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t have anymore
twerks in me. – No, I don’t either. Also, this cocktail dress
is getting itchy. (laughter) – “Hey… What’s up, bitch?
You wanna go?” – Do they provide wardrobe?
– What’s that? – Do they provide wardrobe or do you have to bring
all your own stuff? – B-I-O-W.
– On “Bad Girls Club”? – Yeah.
– Naw, it’s all your own stuff. – It’s like a Dan Soder
football party. You gotta bring
your own stuff. – I mean, you could probably
bring up a video of girls, like, talking shit and doing
dance moves to each other instead of fighting,
you know what I mean? Like, “Girl, because
your man want all this. He wanna get down with all…”
– “Bitch!” – You just wanted to do
a body roll. – Chest-hitting body roll?
– Yeah. – This is body roll season
out here. – “He’ll get all… this.”
– “Stupid ass, biiitch.” – “You stupid ass, biiitch.”
– If I was in that fight, I’d be like, “Oh, someone took,
like, a dance class. – “Oh. Oh, you know
choreography.” – Yeah, for sure.
You go, “Why are you dancing at me?”
– “Stop it.” – Can you imagine
if a guy was doing that? – Bro, dude, if a guy–
– He goes, “Fuck you, dude.” He goes, “Oh, you didn’t
say shit like that.” – Yeah, you go,
“You want to be in trouble? At the punch back,
I’ma hit you.” – “I’m gonna hit you,
you gonna hit me. And I’m gonna hit you.”
– “Please stop, please stop. “I don’t want to fight you
anymore, you’re just w– – I like the Bad Girl who–
she’s taking dance classes every week, so, like…
– She just knows. – You can just tell what move
she learned that week. – She goes, “One, two.”
She counts it. “One, two, three, four.
Bitch.” – Oh, day one’s the best ’cause
they always put a stripper pole in the house, and you find out
who the stripper girls are. They immediately get up there. And the other girls who
aren’t strippers go, “Oh my God, I can’t
believe the way– That’s so sexy,
the way you do that.” And then they just
form alliances. – And then, by the way…
– Depending on who gets there first is all it is.
– But by day three, they’re going like,
“This slutty-ass bitch is a stripper.”
And you’re like, “You said you liked
my moves on day one.” – By it’s, by the way,
it’s who comes. Three people meet at,
like, a restaurant. And two, three people meet
right at the house. And that’s it, they just form
these bonds that become these gang wars in a place based
off who showed up first. – Do they ever have, like,
everlasting friendships? – Yes.
– No. (laughter)
Not a one, Dan. Is that what you
like to believe? Is that what you
like to tell yourself? – Or is it like prison?
Where it’s, like… – Here you go,
here’s stripper pole. – I mean, they do have to have
amazing core strength. – Yeah. That’s nuts.
– They do. Oh, yeah, one thing about BGC, behavioral problems
and core strength. (laughter) – Lacking in father figures,
nutso abd– – Core strength. – Core strength like
a son of a bitch. – I mean obliques
like a “ma’fuck.” – I mean,
they’re planking for days. They can hold theirself up.
– Jesus. – This isn’t dance fights. – Man, these are–
this is– this looks like a training
academy to wreck a guy’s life. – Wait, she came
with a broken foot? – Oh, yeah, she fights
on one fuckin’ wheel. She’s a true warrior. – You’ll be– Those crutches’ll
come in handy in a fight at some point. – Yeah, she can swing,
take out half the house. – They’ve smashed glasses
at each other. Like, real dangerous shit.
Threw a toaster. – Do you have a premiere date?
Do you know when they’re gonna be–
when it’s gonna be back on? – They’re casting right now, so, Michelle, early ballot. – Get in there.
So funny for you to go… – How long do I have to
train for? – Oh, it’d be great if you go, “I need you to mark up
a fake profile for me.” – Yo, Kestenbaum,
let’s get over and let’s get you
in “Bad Girls Club.” – Lynn, can you please
be in “Bad Girls Club?” – Can you at least
audition for it? – I don’t know if I have
the right core strength. – No, what are you
talking about? I’m seen you on the pole.
You’re magic. – Christine, could you audition?
You know the background. – Christine can’t fight. I don’t want to see her get
beat up every week. – Jay said this for five years. He just brings up the fact
that Christine can’t fight. – No way she could fight. – You think I can’t fight
like that? – No. Nope.
– I just– They don’t–
They put their head down. They’re not even looking
at their target. They’re just like–
It’s like– – Christine’s not prepared
for a physical scuffle, man. She’s not like–
It’s just not her– That’s either
an instinct in you or not. – Yeah.
– If she just got like blindly attacked,
I still think– Listen, the last situation
me and Christine were almost, almost in…
– The movie theater. – …she was fucking
the whitest thing. – It was
the movie theater, right? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She said something. I forget what it was.
– I got the manager. – Yeah, and made an announcement
that, “I’m getting the manager.” – I did make an announcement.
– By the way– – I’m a white woman. – Yeah, welcome
to “White Fighting.” – Yeah, no shit.
– Call the authorities. – You know how many times
like I’m in a situation where I’m like, “I have no
skills to get out of this? – Oh, me and Dave were getting
ready to fuckin’ drag that black dude. You don’t come to a fuckin’–
you don’t come to a fuckin’ Tonya Harding movie,
talk shit to– – It was.
It was “I, Tonya.” – Great movie, great movie.
– Great movie. – Well, we didn’t know.
We left. ‘Cause they wouldn’t kick
the black guy out. For racial reasons, I guess, so we just had to
pleasantly leave. – And Christine folded–
– It wasn’t even the black guy. It was a black girl,
and it had nothing to do with anything other
than they were in our seats, and they were acting like
I was the bitch for telling them
they were in our seats. – Oh, I was gonna be racist
and say, were they loud? – Yeah, we should’ve
let you lead… – Yes, eventually.
– …and make that mistake. You go, “They would not
stop talking?” Yeah, well, you know…
– And also, I always said in fairness, too, the guy
did not wanna get in a thing. His chick was literally
making him be in a thing. – How many times does that
happen in a relationship? – There’s a video–
– “Catherine! Catherine!” – There’s a video on WorldStar,
and I wish I’d saved it, of a guy on the 4 train
in the Bronx and he’s fucking with a guy
in an MTA vest. His girlfriend–
Have you seen that one? – Mm-hmm.
– And the girlfriend is yelling at the guy in the MTA vest,
and he tells the girl, he goes, “You keep
yelling at me, I’m gonna fuck
your boyfriend up.” And she’s like–
and the boyfriend’s like, “Hey hey hey hey!”
Like to his girlfriend. And he’s like,
“Eh eh eh eh, be cool!” And he’s like, “I’m serious,
I’m gonna fuck you up.” And she just keeps
going at the guy, and finally he just goes–
I think she swings on him, and finally he just goes,
“All right!” And just beating the fuck
out of the boyfriend. – Christine’s the opposite. She would me to sit there and be disrespected
and chumped. She’s never supported me
sticking up for myself once ever in my life.
– But you know what? And this– you just
bringing all this up means that she’s gonna
murder someone. ‘Cause it’s all
gonna be pent up. – Christine?
– Yeah, and then she’s– She’s gonna
take the wrong clue and then she’s gonna hit someone
in the head with a hammer. And you’re like, “Christine,
what did you do?” And she’d be like–
– “I’m the manager today!” – “I managed!
I’m the manager! I’m the one who knocks!” – I really had a lot of regret
about that situation ’cause she did call me
a bitch, and then… – Sure.
– …you know. – And then you
Bagel Boss’ed it and you walked away.
– Yeah, it’s like I– I really wish I had
just done anything shitty back to her. – Should’ve shown her the butt
of a gun in your waist. – I gave the guy the
“Shut your fucking bitch up” but like I did have–
Dave Smith was there, too, so it was like two– a little
bit of the confidence of that for sure,
the two of us. – Yeah.
– But I think I would’ve said that I think, still.
– That’s also so funny that MTA guy was like,
“I can’t hit his woman, so I’m gonna hit this guy.” – Yeah, and he beat
the fuck out of him. – I think I’ve threatened
a fuckin’– Like, in an audience before.
– You be like, “I’ll fight.” – I think a girl going.
You know what I mean, where the girl’s
like doing something, and I was like, “Dude
I’m gonna end up like– She’s gonna get you
fuckin’ knocked out.” – Hey, he’s going like–
Well, the problem is when the guy first goes,
“All right, buddy.” Like that? You go, “That’s not
the route you take.” – Yeah.
– The route you take is you go like, “Shut the fuck up.”
You go– you go– “You’re gonna need
to shut the fuck up.” – My favorite–
the other one too. I actually judged the guy
and also feel bad for him when– Have you ever had
the girlfriend get booted out and the guy stays?
– Yeah! – I’ve had that happen
a couple times. – I had during a show, a guy– A girl starts crying
and walked out, and I was like, “Maybe it was
something I was talking about.” The guy never left.
– Yeah. – And the whole time I just
kept checking to see if he was still here,
he starts laughing at stuff. And I was like,
“What happened?” – You should’ve asked him,
“Did you just get caught cheating here?”
And he doesn’t want to go outside
and face the music? He’s like– He goes,
“Did you just get a text from Jennifer?” He’s like, “Let’s talk
about it after the show.” And she goes,
“Oh, I’m fucking leaving.” – He’s like, “Okay.
It’s not gonna change the answer,
however long we wait.” – You know who won’t leave?
Jennifer. – He goes, “26.99.
I paid each ticket. I’m watching this show.”
– “Listen, we already ordered both our drinks
and the loaded nachos.” – Yeah!
– He goes, “I took you to the place where they deliver
the food right to your seat.” He goes, “How cool is this?
This is like a draft house.” “- Come on, we don’t have chairs
like this at home. Look at this thing.”
(imitating chair reclining) – “Also, what’s your take
on the “Me Too” scandal? Shut up.
Watch the show.” – What’s gonna happen? Jennifer’s not doing
anything tonight. – I know she’s not
doing anything ’cause I asked Richie
is she was.” – He goes, “You’re using
her ticket.” – Yeah. – Because she was
supposed to be D2. – Are you ready
to get Shyamalan-ed? – This is her favorite seat.
This is her favorite seat. – She goes, “This is where we
sit for every Marvel film.” – She goes,
“She’s in The Yucks Club. That’s the comedy club.” – “I thought we’d see
the Avengers films.” Goes, “Yeah, sucks,
gotta watch ’em twice.” (laughter)
“Imagine it it’s not good.” – Goes, “Did you know were you
dating a thespian? ‘Cause I acted surprised when
Iron Man died the second time.” – “Do you know how hard it was
for me not to spoil for me?” – “I know, I almost
spoiled it for me! “God, Jen, I gotta call her. We have so much fun together.” – “She never gets like this
at a comedy club.” – “Your sister’s way cooler.”
It’s her sister. – “She never gets like this
when you text me.” – Yeah.
“She never freaks out.” – She always says,
“I know she’s just– “she’s just a thing
on the side for now, but I’ll end up with you.”
– “She knows the score.” – “No, she’s fun. She probably
keeps us together.” – You know
the Bagel Boss Guy, right? He was the short guy
that flipped out in the bagel store
and was like, “Fuck you!” And then he kind of went around
and did all his press tour. – Yeah.
– Well, inevitably with those people, it ends up
in a celebrity boxing match. – Well, so, yeah,
he gets hired by the guy, whatever his name is,
Darren something, who does the celebrity boxing, and they announced
on Howard Stern– Or Howard Stern
got the announcement that it was gonna be Bagel Boss
versus Lenny Dykstra. – The old Philadelphia
Phillies player. – And New York Met,
and New York Met. – And New York Met, he played–
spent his career in the NL East. – Yeah, and Lenny Dykstra’s like a fifty-something
year-old-guy now… – Who immediately you’re like,
“He’s just gonna beat the shit
out of Bagel Boss.” – And he’s gonna beat the shit
out of Bagel Boss Guy. He’s a little guy.
He’s a little wiener. – He’s like 4, 4’10”.
– Yeah. That’s really small. – Yeah, he’s little
and he sucks. You saw his
stand-up comedy, right? – Yeah, where he wore the mask?
– Yeah. So weird.
– Just get good at something. – Something.
– Something. – Like if you’re gonna be
that small, just get good at something.
– He’s not. He’s not even good
at being small and angry, and it’s the only thing he does.
– Yeah. –Shut your mouth!You’re not God or my father!
Or my boss!– Or my boss!
– Or my boss! – He has a lisp too?
– No, I wish. – Or is that just New Jersey? – That’s just his
Long Island accent. – Oh, Long Island.
– So he goes to do celebrity boxing. Lenny Dykstra has to
pull out, he claims, for legal reasons. He’s in some legal battle
that he couldn’t do the– – That guy– You know,
he lives fast and loose. I’m a fan of “Nails.”
– That sounds plausible. – Yeah, Lenny Dykstra goes–
You know what’s funny is when he probably got that
brought up to whoever was like running the business
of the fight, they went, “Yeah, we knew that was
a possibility.” They go, “We probably
should’ve told you this.” – Well, he pulled out
with like a week or so before the fight, which was
pretty last minute. And then– No that you have
to go into a stiff training camp for this.
– To fight a 4’10” man. – So they go and panic,
they go on Howard Stern again, and basically the guy
calls in and says, “Hey, we’re looking for
another pers–” You know, to do this whatever. He wants someone from
Stern’s crew to do it maybe. They can’t do it. And he finally lands
on Dustin Diamond, Screech. – Yeah, who is…
– Oh, God! – Well versed in
the celebrity boxing match. – Yeah.
– I would say that’s his– – Already knocked out Horshack. – Yeah, that is his
bread and butter. – Yeah, yeah, yeah,
right now it’s his bread– And also begging for you to pay
for his house or something. – Yeah, and I bet
he’s on Cameo. – Oh, for sure.
– I bet– guaranteed. – He got kicked off
of that weight loss show. “The Celebrity Biggest Loser.”
– Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember that. He comes off
like a real jerkoff. – And he got stabbed.
– Yeah. – He’s not likable at all.
– Yeah. – And his wife is a turd also.
– I can’t believe he’s married. – Well, I don’t know
if he even is anymore. Maybe he still is, but it was
just like a chubby chick who came in
and would tell you– That was the best, dude,
going up to comics before shows, when young
comics would open for him, and he goes, “All right,
Dustin says you can’t talk about farts,
grandmas, or Wal-Mart.” – Oh, so funny.
All right, Dustin. – Yeah, what a weird thing.
– So he signs up to do– – He signs up to fight
the Bagel Boss. – Yeah.
– And then, uh, night of the event, Bagel Boss just doesn’t show up to the event at all,
and then sends out a social media
message laughing– Like he’s a supervillain,
like he’s done some crazy… – Do you have have it?
– …thing he’s pulled off, except the problem is
he took money. – Oh, what a little fuckin’–
– He took money preemptively for the event,
and just didn’t– And said he never had any
intentions of showing up, and, “Aren’t you people– Don’t you look like
stupid motherfuckers?” – Well, here it is.
– Like no. – Wait, doesn’t the contact say
you have to show up? – I don’t think he understands
how contracts work. – Yeah, he’s that dumb. He’s gonna be
in a lot of trouble. – Yeah, here it is.
Chris Morgan. He’s the Bagel Boss.
– King Chris Morgan. – What a dick. – Is the size
of actual kings, though. – Yeah, he is.
You know what? Thank you, Michelle.
You’re absolutely right. We’re getting a little
ID Discovery right now. Did you know that King Tut
was actually only 4’7″? – King Black Lou– King Jacob. – Did you do a tour the–
the Scotland palace? – Yeah, and I kept– when you do
the tour of the Scotland palace, you can buy headsets,
you can buy, like, you know,
just old headphones, like, the old kind.
– Sure. – And then you have, like,
a little thing with it. And you put it in,
it’s like, “In 1745, “the Scottish defeated
the British Forces over the wall,
but then anytime–” –(laughing)
I fooled you all!– Oh, get out of here.
Get out of here! Uh, but Be–
I was with Becky Aspen, and every time she would go
into another room, I would just walk in and loudly take off
my headphones and go, “Did we get that shot?” And she would be like,
“Can you please stop doing director headset?” I just kept taking it off,
going, “Is that it? Do we got it?
You guys wanna strike lights?” – Room tone.
– All right, let’s do it again. – (both) Room tone!
– Room tone. – Guys, I need everyone
to hold to room tone. We’re good?
– 30 seconds. – Okay… – Play the Bagel Boss. – What a villain,
he just came up like a villain. He really is a piece of shit. – Oh, how sad–
–(cackling)I fooled you all!I ain’t coming to the fight!Aah– I mean,
after all,what’s the best way
to really–– Pause it, look how low
his head is on the seat, if he went back.
– I feel like he needs a booster.
– He goes “I pulled over”– – It’s below the headrest. – I bet he’s been pulled over
for a police officer thinking he was a child.
– I– uh– how tall do you have
to be to drive? – I don’t know.
– I mean… Nic Novicki drives,
but I think he has to use his hands or something.
– He has hand pedals. He has hand pedals
or, like, he’s got a thing that comes up to his foot. – Like a wood block.
– Yeah. A clump foot.
– I don’t know. You know, some sort of
Medieval fuckin’– – Yeah, like a Frankenstein shoe
or something else humiliating. – He goes something
that makes him feel non-human. You know, something
that fuckin’ just– – I got him an escalator to get
into his car. – Uh, there is
a height requirement. Uh, California law say–
– No minimum height. – No…
– Well, that’s why he moved out to California.
– Californ-i-way. Bagel Boss is looking
like a little tiny snack. – He really does, man.
– How sad is it that this video
only has 58,000 views? – Yeah.
– It might be this version of it.
– Oh. – What’s on his–
–Don’t be there!(cackling)
And now look at you!You’re all sitting there with
your thumbs way– waaaay–directly up your asses!
(cackling)– And then
he’s in court going, “I– it was a joke!” – That’s not all the video. There’s more of that video,
he says, like, “I was never gonna come,”
and he does, like, a whole thing,
it’s crazy. – Oh, man,
well, Bagel Boss Guy, you got about fuckin’
three more minutes, and then you’re gonna be
on “Bad Girls’ Club” breaking up fights–
if they hired him to break up fights,
it would be the shit. – Oh, yeah, with–
is this the whole thing? – Yes. – Oh, man, he has a whole–
– He has a YouTube page? – Yeah, that’s what it is now. That’s where
they get that money. – Wait, no, it just directed me
back to his YouTube page. – I mean,
you– you think back– – Oh, he took it down?
– I’m looking– – I wonder if he edited out
the part where he says,
“I was never gonna come”– – Yeah, ’cause
it’s, like, legal. They’re like,
oh, we got you, also– – Hundred grand
they’re suing him for. – Really?
– I think, right? – When you think about
all the people that could’ve started
YouTube channels in the past,
like Lorena Bobbitt or, like, Amy Fisher– – Instead of–
– Instead of, like, the old route they did,
where they go on “Donahue” and, like, some weird shit. – So…
– Yeah? – Guys, just asking. Should I murder
my adult boyfriend’s wife? – Hey, what’s up, Instagram?! Gonna go
by the Buttafuocos! If the wife answers,
I’m gonna shoot her cheek out! – I tried to shoot her–
I tried to blow her head off, total botch job.
– Anyways, guys, love you in the comments,
keep tipping. – Keep tipping!
– Swipe up to see me host a new show. Swipe up to buy–
– Amy Fisher goes back, goes, “Boy, did I whiff
that shot! Turns out I just put
a hole in her face!” – She goes, “Hey, guys,
driving away from the scene of the crime– miss!” – “Hi, I’m Timothy McVeigh. I’m thinking about…” – He goes,
“My stupid bitch friend–” who’s the guy with the glasses?
Terry? Who was the guy
that helped him out? – Terry Mc… Nichols? – Terry Nichols.
– Yeah. – He goes,
“Hey, what’s up, everyone? Fuckin’ Terry’s out,
asshole!” – “Yo, Terr! Terr!” – “Hello,
this is Ted Kaczynski. “I don’t like technology.
I’m gonna blow it up. But I love you guys!” – “To all my Kaczynski-heads
out there, “I wanna say thank you
for the support and the love.
Thanks for donating!” – “What’s up, Kaczynsk-inks! “I just wanna let you guys know,
I do have a Patreon. If you guys wanna read more
of my manuscripts.” – If you guys want me
to keep this thing free– – You know, you write to him
in prison, he writes back? – Yeah, he– really?
Ted Kaczynski? – That’s what I heard?
– Do you wanna write– Do you wanna write a Bonfire
letter to Ted Kaczynski? – I wanna write him
my manifesto. – Dude, do it.
About butts. – Oh, hi. Didn’t see you
come in there. I’m Dan Soder. – I’m Big Jay Oakerson.
– We’re from the Bonfire on Comedy Central Radio,
Sirius XM 95. – Make sure you watch our videos every Thursday on Comedy
Central YouTube. – Fresh. Exclusive. Visual.